Regrets are like scars, they never really go away always there to remind you, but eventually you become accustomed to it and you barely notice it anymore, but it will always be there.

With age comes wisdom, but just cause we have the wisdom, that does not mean we will act accordingly, the mind maybe wise, but the heart will always be young and foolish, impulsive and uncontrolled.

Not being able to attain something because it was not meant to be is just an excuse to not get hurt, dating its not meant to be just means its difficult to attain, meaning its that much more precious.

You can say things are fated but those same things will always just be coincidental unless you choose to do something about them.

JUST SOMETHINGS PEOPLE HAVE SAID TO ME BEFORE WHICH I FEEL ARE QUITE TRUE. By the end of this week most of my friends will have ORDed while i am stuck here with 13 weeks to go till i am once again a civilian.

Recently I find myself finding more and more reasons not to go to camp... to clear as much off and leave as  I can. I just feel that being there is of absolutely no use to my personal well-being. It seems as if without me nothing gets done. I hate to sound egoistical, but thats the way it seems to be. I can go on off for 5 days and come back to find nothing change and work waiting for me to do... seriously its a WTS moment. I feel like just fuck caring all of it... after all i am just an NSF this does not in anyway affect my future.

Back to my normal stuff, i am much happier now aside from army pissing me off. i guess i have just accepted that things are the way they are and nothing i do is going to change it. we hold on as hard as we can. I can't continue this anymore. I don't know how to deal with what is happening in my life now.
It seems as if everything is in one big mess, one big chaotic mess waiting for the right moment to blow up.

One person can only fail so many times, can only blame other factors so many times before they have to admit and except the fact that the root of all these failures is the undeniable truth that they just suck! I think that I have reached that stage in my life.

All my life I have never been good enough in anything that I do, in anything that I set out to achieve, I am always just not good enough.
(All this is just me wallowing in self pity, Pathetic!)
I try, God knows how I try, I always give my all in everything I do, I train, I practise, I study, I prepare, yet somehow when it comes right down to it, somehow I am always walking out of the place with my head hung low, disappointed.

To me, the smarter thing to do would be to accept my defeat, my disappointment, take it in stride move on and never try for the same thing again, yet somehow someone will soon come along and convince me to try again, telling me that I will not be disappointed twice, I mean how likely is it that you can fail at the same thing again?
Well sad to say somehow I am able to do just that. despite it all, I am able to beat the odds and fail again and again.

Studies, Sports, Driving, Relationships, even Friendships, you name it I have failed at it. Its pathetic.

I need someone I can talk to, to complain to, to rant and pour my troubles out to. I use to have someone like that, a few someones, yet somehow I managed to screw them up. Must be the whining.

I miss the days when I had someone to msg, to just talk. now weeks can go by without a single msg.


Reading this post I can't help but feel that all this is very pathetic, but its the truth, its whats going through my mind, it what i feel on a regular basis.
I don't know how I am supposed to deal with this. This week is going to be a very hectic week.
I predict long hours in the office, truckloads of stuff to prepare, and generally stressed out people working all around. Wednesday, that is the day we are all anxiously waiting for, once Wednesday comes and goes, all this  will be over. guess i just have to hold out for about 3 days.

I think that I care too much about what others think about me, i should remember that after these 8 months that i have left here, chances are i will never see most of these people again. So, I don't really need to care if they like me or not, all I need to do is do my work to my fullest capacity and nothing more.

I want to write a book. ok random... I use to be patient, i use to think things through before doing anything, i use to be fearless, i use to be calm, i use to know what i want. Someone once told me, "a dilemma occurs because we can never have the best of both worlds."
But what happens when neither choice brings any happiness, when neither choice is the best.



kind of sucks when both your choices bring nothing but pain. but life rarely gives handouts. then again, who am i to complain.
Hope maybe a good thing, but it is a very painful thing cause when you hope for something and when you really need to hope for it to happen, chances are its a loss cause.
Recently, whatever last shimmer of hope i had has been lost and i have come to realise that there is no way things will turn out they way i hope it will.

funny thing is, i am happy now that i have no hope left.

so i will leave this all behind me. as i am right back where i was before, content, not happy, but i rather feel this way then fell frustrated and confused. My hotmail account got hack last week and was subsequently blocked that cause quite some problems... i think i sent quite abit of spam to people...

I miss 3 concerts of which i had tickets too... had to sell all three cause of a little miscommunication and misinformations... i regret it deeply after hearing how awesome they were... well life is full of disappointments i will catch them next time.. Conflicted...
I hate this feeling. i can deal with doubt and uncertainties.
but what i cant deal with is when i am torn between two things.
both of which do not look promising.
i dont understand why this is happening.
it was supposed  to be easy to forget.
i cant win in either of the situations.
so why is it i am torn between them..
why is it i am hung up over these situations in the first place.





On a totally unrelated note.. i still cant figure out or stop thinking about who that cosplaying girl that said hi to me was.....